Well, the fabric store trip was enjoyable to some extent, wee Wolfie, my youngest nephew was cantankerous and my nagging worries that I shouldn’t spend money with no job or income in sight. I found so many fabrics to drool over, so much more I wanted to get for Pixie, to keep her rich in dresses and twirly skirts all spring and summer. She chose four different patterns, after some mental math we narrowed it down to two, the pink flower print and the rainbow splash. I fell in love with the blue with gold spirals and coveted some for myself. I bought two yards and will probably use some of it for a twirly skirt or a dress bodice for the girl as a surprise as she was the one who found this print. I bought this pattern but am having second thoughts. The dress I envision has a generous skirt with deep pockets for carrying favored as well as found treasures. the bodice is simple with minimal fuss, maybe tie-straps instead of the worry and fumbling of buttons. Something easy, breezy and ready to enjoy. The challenge comes in my ineptness with pattern making and my impatience with sewing. In theory I adore sewing, in practice I am far too impatient and tend to make careless mistakes because I want it all done yesterday. My second choice is a larger version of the dress I made for her three and a half years ago for my brother’s wedding

Probably far too fussy for a girl of nearly eight and a half but the patterns I saw today were much too grown up for her. She’s eight but very tall and it pushes her out of the little girls and into the preteen section and my wee witchling still likes being a little girl (thank you Goddess!). Lately she’s been so upset about growing up, she’s tearful and adamant that she does not want to grow up and I feel so sad for her. I have no memory of carefree childhood days and I want more for her. My goal this year (especially once it warms and we can get outside), despite my anxiety over my schooling and career path (all I want is to be able to stay home and raise her), I plan to give her a magical and carefree year. I want her to find happiness and contentment, I want to erase the underlying sadness I see in her eyes and demeanor. It has been improving since I dropped down to part time in school but the stress of no income and making peace with my path. I really need to find answers there, I’m tentative with this nursing path** but something is not feeling right and damned if I can find any answers. It stirs deep unsettling feelings that even meditation can not help with. I want peace, I want to be able to relax and enjoy life with my baby, now to find a way to balance it all so I can enjoy life and her because I cannot have what I want at this point in time. I’m going to take all this emotion as fuel to keep me focused on my writing, once again I veered off track, I need to map out a schedule so I get studying done and then have time for crafting and writing in addition to my quality Pixie time as well as the mundane of day to day living (damn laundry!).

**an update there, I’m totally hating the school I am at, their lack of regard for their students (shocker, I know..lol) as well as the lies I’ve been fed have been all I can take and to find out I have to put in an extra year? I can’t take it and so looked at alternatives to a PT Assistant career. Now I am looking closer to home at a nursing career option, something I have a leg up on with my first year of college classes. It would work really well with my reiki practices but I’m not sure when I could start, I’ve got all but two of the requisite classes done for the first year so I’m not sure if I could start the first semester’s class despite having missed the Feb 1st cut off date for Fall start. If not I’m looking at either a Jan ‘09 or Aug ‘09 start and having to wait until Fall ‘09? I’ll scream and tear my hair out.

So sorry for the melancholy turn, having this week off with her has just been so enjoyable and such an overwhelming reminder of how much I miss my 24/7 days with her.

Back to the fabric store, I did not get the velvet I was hoping to get for some Goddess artwork, it was just my luck that it was on sale and not eligible for the coupon! eeesh. I did use the 50% off coupon on a clay extruder for my Sculpey crafting addiction. Nothing of note there to share yet (well some but I can’t share it as a friend who reads here is getting it), still playing with it and getting to know it.

Ahh, and now that damnable snow is beginning to fall, lovely.

ETA: Saturday morning..seems my melancholia was due to a lovely next round of some sort of funk. Woke with a sore throat, aches and a packed head. yuck.